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| I was born to play the violin. | | |
| I haven't been writing here for ages, because I think I really forgotten who I am. Who am I? Am I the words spread across these pages for the past 5 years? I mean.......who is that entry a few months ago? Life is so different now, if anyone would consider this a life. There is a price to pay for everything you want in life, including giving it up. But at the same time, I need to ask myself why do I want it so much, do I even need it in the first place? But if I question it at all, I am undeserving of it. I deserve it. And I want it. I will have it. | | |
| What's wrong with me? It's my 26th Valentine's day alone. I'm not exactly complaining, maybe I am. But that's because I haven't given a damn for the past 355 days. This year is not a leap. What's so difficult to get someone to pay attention to you, just for one evening, maybe a couple of hours or even a single moment? I think I'm afraid to pay attention to people. Or maybe I am too selfish. So selfish that I hoard all the time in the world I have just for myself and my own ambitions. No living person worth more than my dead ambitions? Is it more important that I live my own life rather than to live in someone's life? Maybe if I actually tried, I don't have to soliloquize here. What's so difficult to get someone to pay attention to me? I make a loud sound on my instrument. My four thousand dollar instrument. I have an apartment to play that in. It's in town. And my job pays me much more than many peoples'. But that doesn't mean a thing. Those that don't have a thing in this world has someone. I don't. Maybe that is the hubris for he-who-defies-logic. Doesn't make sense to be me. Doesn't make sense for someone to have too much. (to be continued) | | |
| I did it. In less than a year, I probably achieved what others may take a few years, or forever to do. But I can only gloat in this space, because I need to be more humble than ever in order to stay in that arrogant pedestal where the next few years that will bridge the gap between my meaningless existence for the past twenty odd years to an existence that should have been mine, and that should have been me. | | |
| I was joking with Clement that I will be a 'violin major' some day. I
was very sure that I am going to work hard on it; but to devote my
whole life to it was something I secretly wished for yet knew
impossible. But that was almost a year ago; destiny binds me to it, if
not I must have been the most scheming yet lucky person on earth.
Less than a year ago, I attended Christmas mass (that was two hours before someone's mega surprise) and I looked at Ivan with awe, standing right above the congregation conducting his church choir. I had an instrument with me, one with unlimited potential, acquired at the price of my audacity, with the only liability being me. I looked at him and wondered 'how many years of my life do I have to surrender to the four strings before I can stand there like him? How many years more before I can return to my own church, from my exile?'
I now know the answer.
I am now a 'Church Violinist'.
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